


dear true love

by eds_spagheds (ellewriteswrongs)



Series: it one-shots & song fics [5]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Amnesia, Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Recovered Memories, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22838836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewriteswrongs/pseuds/eds_spagheds
Summary: richie tozier goes anonymously viral overnight after posting a video online of him sharing his story of how he lost his memory and wrote a song about a boy he can barely remember.eddie kaspbrak is just trying to get though college whilst attempting to move on from the worst decision of his life.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Series: it one-shots & song fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1482236
Comments: 29
Kudos: 68





	1. the first song

**Author's Note:**

> just another warning, this fic will not be completed for a while if you guys end up liking it, but please let me know your thoughts and feel free to ask any questions in the comments!!!

“Eddie, all I’m saying is you should give him a chance! Get off your anti-trendy high horse and listen to one song. Just one,” Beverly teased him, the boy in question rolling his eyes. They were walking to class, having different exams in the same building that day, and Bev knew Eddie would have plenty of time to sit around and listen to one song after he no-doubt would finish his test early. “The whole reason he’s all over the news right now is because he doesn’t want to be famous. He’s refusing to tell anyone who he is and to talk to any reporters.”

Eddie opened the door to the building for her as they both stepped inside. 

“Bev, it’s probably just some ploy for album sales or something. I bet he’s some actor hired to build up hype for some actually singer’s new album or something,” Eddie argued, huffing as the two climbed the stairs to the second floor where they would part ways. “I bet he just wrote those songs for some famous pop star asshole who’s gonna’ butcher them with autotune in the studio and make millions.”

Bev sighed, nearly giving up on her debate.

“Just one song. Listen to one song and I won’t ask you again if you hate it. That’s all I ask.”

Eddie pouted, but uncrossed his arms to Beverly’s delight. “Fine, but I forgot my headphones so I can’t today.”

Bev immediately pulled a wad of wires out of her pocket and placed it in Eddie’s hand. 

“Problem solved,” she smirked.

“Great,” Eddie grumbled Unser his breath, slipping them into his own pocket. 

“Eds, I wouldn’t ask you to listen if I didn’t think you’d love it. I sent his videos to Ben and Mike and even Bill likes them. There’s something special about him, I swear. It makes me feel like I know him.”

Eddie just passive-aggressively waves goodbye and headed to class, the weight of the headphones in his pocket feeling like stones. 

He hated popular music. It didn’t even matter what genre it was, he just hated the whole music industry and the way they churned out songs with no meaning just to make money. 

Sure, people called him pretentious but it wasn’t for any reason other than the fact that he wanted something real. Something that meant something to someone. 

He’d heard small talk around his classes about the guy who went viral only a few days ago. The guy who supposedly lost his memory in an accident and was writing songs in hopes of triggering his memory to come back. 

He’d heard about the anonymous boy blowing up every news site and talk show that was already being hailed as “the greatest songwriter in decades” after only three songs.

Hell, maybe that meant he had something real to say. 

As soon as he finished his exam, early as expected, he put the headphones in his ears and found the first video on the mysterious boy’s channel. 

_ A song for a boy I can’t remember.  _

A chill ran down his spine as he clicked play and the ambient noise of a dimly lit bedroom filled his ears. The boy, who seemed to have signed off his video description with “-R” instead of any real or pen name, sat at a keyboard, the camera to his side. The frame only showed below his shoulders so Eddie couldn’t see his face, but somehow he was instantly hooked. 

There was something intimate about it. The boy started talked quietly, barely loud enough to even determine what his voice sounded like. Eddie was instantly hooked. 

_ “I was finally cleared from the hospital a couple weeks ago and my therapist said this would be a good way for me to find closure of whatever so just hear me out.” _

Eddie felt like he was somewhere entirely different. The other people around him writing essays and filling out test forms were gone. It was just him and the “R” guy. 

_ “I lost most of my memories in an accident recently and...and I can tell there’s someone I don’t want to forget. I can tell that there was someone I loved more than...more than fucking anything.” _

He felt his chest get tight as he listened to the boy speak. 

_ “Anyway, I wrote this song for him. I don’t know who he is, but...I know him. I know I do.” _

He laughed sadly to himself and Eddie swore his heart broke ever so slightly. 

_ “So if you’re out there, this is for you.” _

His fingers hovered over the keyboard before, as if settling into the place they belonged. 

He played a gentle introduction, the obvious lack of professional recording equipment becoming irrelevant as he began to sing. 

_ “All I want is nothing more, than to hear you knocking at my door. 'Cause if I could see your face once more, I could die a happy man I'm sure.” _

Eddie watched that first video over and over again until his professor dismissed everyone and he had hardly even noticed that nearly thirty minutes had gone by.  


There were even  _ tears _ in his eyes. 

He knew the moment he stepped outside that Beverly would be waiting for him to tell her what he thought about the video and he knew that the moment she saw his face she’d know exactly what had happened. It wasn’t that he was all that embarrassed. Bev was one of the best friends he’d ever had, but it was a matter of admitting it to himself. 

It meant admitting to himself that there was some anonymous guy on the internet that made him feel like he knew the inter-workings of his soul and that terrified him. 

It terrified him how it made him want to somehow find this guy and tell him how he wrote the most meaningful piece of music Eddie had ever heard from his own bedroom as if it was nothing more than a way to pass the time. 

It terrified him how badly he wanted to call up the first boy he’d ever loved and tell him he was sorry. That he wakes up every day knowing he’d never be able to make a bigger mistake as long as he lived. 

He hates that some anonymous guy filming a video on what was probably his laptop webcam with a keyboard that looked like it’d been sitting in his parents’ basement since the nineties was the guy that finally got through to him. 

And he hates how much he loves it. 


	2. rainbow connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a glimpse at richie’s side of the story:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter titles will reflect the songs that will be included in the next chapter:)
> 
> (rainbow connection - sleeping at last cover)

“Dr. Grant says it’d be good for me, with the whole ‘moving on’ and ‘accepting that I might never get my life back’ thing,” Richie groaned, smacking his crutches on the linoleum floor of his physical trainer’s office waiting room. “Stanny, he wants me to sing the song I wrote about the guy that probably hates me that I don’t even fucking remember! And put it on the internet! He’s fucking insane!”

Stanley just rolled his eyes and went back to his book. Being Richie’s college roommate before, and after, his accident it wasn’t too hard for Richie to start remembering him and to re-learn the things about the other boy that he had learned less than a year earlier. Seeing as they were both only in their first year, it hadn’t taken long for them to fall back into a comfortable routine just like they had before, but now with more physical therapy trips and pain medication reminders. 

And, of course, Richie using his amnesia excuse to avoid doing every chore that he was in charge of doing by claiming he “forgot because, you know, the trauma” much to Stanley’s frustration. 

“Okay, but what else were you going to do with that song? Just make me listen to you play it over and over when you’re having a crisis at one in the morning?” He huffed, scribbling notes in the margins of his assigned reading. 

“You love my singing, Staniel,” Richie retorted, leaning into Stan’s side as he couldn’t sit still, even with previously-broken ribs that were still healing. “You just want me to do the video so you can listen to it all the time.”

Stan actually huffed a laugh at that, even if it was out of the audacity of Richie’s statement. 

“Nah, just so that the YouTube commenters can crush all of your dreams of being a singer by telling you how much you suck. Then maybe I’ll get some peace and quiet,” he fired back without hesitation. 

Richie feigned offense. “How dare you, I’m a cripple.”

“First of all, that’s offensive considering the crowd we’re surrounded by,” Stan said monotonously to Richie’s chagrin. “And second, you’re not a fucking cripple, you only need the crutches because you keep losing your goddamn pain meds.”

“That’s the whole point though,” Richie challenged. “I lose them on purpose so that I get a fun surprise when I clean the room. It’s like a reward for picking my shit up off the floor.”

Stan finally looked up from his book at his friend beside him. 

“You’re the dumbest fucking person I’ve ever encountered. How the hell are you still alive?”

Richie simply kicked his legs up onto the empty chairs beside his and leaned into his friend. 

“Spite.”

Stan snorted, hardly trying to hide it. 

“I hate you.”

Richie leaned his head onto Stan’s shoulder. 

“That’s where the spite comes from, sweet cheeks,” he drawled in a horrific southern accent, pinching the other boy’s cheek. Stanley swatted his hand away. 

“I will leave you here,” he threatened, both boys knowing it was an empty claim in every way. 

“I’ll call Patty Cakes then, she loves me,” Richie fired back, knowing how Stanley’s girlfriend almost always sided with Richie on their arguments, which he claimed couldn’t possibly be allowed. 

“Fine, good luck getting home tonight since neither of you assholes can drive for fifty feet without hitting something,” Stan teased, dangling his car keys in Richie’s face. 

“That’s homophobic, everyone knows gays can’t drive.”

Stanley laughed again. 

“She’s not gay, dickwad, she’s trans. I hate that you both use that excuse every time it’s either of your turns to drive.”

Richie put back on his southern voice. 

“Why, I’ll be! It must’a slipped my mind. I guess I must’ve forgotten how to drive. Maybe you’ll have to teach little ole’ me all over again.”

Stanley smacked him in the shoulder with his now-abandoned English class homework. 

“I’d rather die. Convince Pat to let me teach her and then she can teach you. That way if you die it’s on her.”

Richie snorted, continuing to practically lay on his friend. 

“You’re the worst boyfriend. Why don’t you love me?”

“I’m not your boyfriend, asshole.”

He gasped, clutching his chest. 

“You’re not?” 

Stanley shoved his face out of his line of sight and went back to reading just as Richie’s already-exasperated physical therapist called him in to his appointment. He settled back into the waiting room seats, curling up his legs as he went back to reading his book. Through the window in the door, he could see his best friend painfully stretching his back out on a yoga mat and he felt almost sick remembering just how much pain the other boy had to deal with. 

He’d broken three ribs on one side, dislocated his shoulder, and pulled two muscles in his back and neck, not to mention his severe concussion that had jumbled most of his most important memories and erased the rest of them. When he’d been hit head-on by a car that swerved onto the sidewalk, Stanley hadn’t even found out until the Monday night after the Friday it had happened. It hadn’t been unusual for his roommate to disappear over the weekends to work long shifts at work or to road trip a few towns away to go to a concert or party. Richie, who walked everywhere when he wasn’t taking the bus or mooching rides off of his roommate, was almost always home late after class or work so there was nothing unusual about his friend still being gone when Stanley finally went to sleep. 

Nonetheless, he couldn’t help feeling guilty about it. How he should’ve just offered to pick him up when he was just spending the night in their room watching some documentary about birds that he couldn’t even remember. 

Despite how much they teased each other, Richie was like family to him. With his parents across the country in Georgia, he had no one else in California but Richie and Patty. 

He didn’t want to ask about this mystery boy Richie was suddenly distraught that he couldn’t remember. He wished he knew anything about him, that he knew even just his first name, but Richie had never even mentioned any old friends before, let alone a potential ex boyfriend. 

Not someone he loved the way he loved this guy. 

He didn’t want to think about the possibility of this boy just being a fabrication of his head trauma, especially considering how much he seemed to mean to his friend, but he couldn’t help but worry about it. 

Maybe they’d just never find him. 

He couldn’t decide which would possibly be worse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading!! I’m so glad people actually liked this idea and I’m so excited for where I’m planning to go with it!!


	3. the second song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eddie opens up to his friends about his past
> 
> richie drops a hOt NeW tRAcK

Eddie knew exactly what was coming when Beverly called him after class that night. He answered, knowing the alternative would be her showing up at his dorm room, but had planned out an entire lie in his head before it all went out the window.

“Did you listen to it?” She asked without even saying hello. Eddie chucked at her insistence.

“I told you I would,” he answered, laying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling, trying not to cry just from thinking about it.

“And you hated it?” She said disappointedly, muffled voices in the background that she kept shushing. He couldn’t just tell her he hated it so she would leave him alone. Not when it would be so, so far from the truth. Not when it was still queued up on his phone to listen to again as soon as she hung up.

“Bevvie, I loved it,” he spoke softly, defeated as his voice broke and his eyes welled up.

“You did? You’re not just saying that?” Her voice was so excited that it made him chuckle a little bit.

“I watched it on repeat for half an hour,” he admitted, his cheeks red. He could hear his friends all on the other line sharing their excitement.

Hell, they had all been suggesting various artists to Eddie for months with no positive results.

“He...he reminds me of Richie,” he spoke so quietly he wasn’t sure Beverly would even be able to hear him. Still, the noise stopped on a dime and the line went silent.

“Eddie-“ Bev started before he cut her off.

“I know, I know it’s not him. I just...I miss him. I know I fucked up and I should’ve tried to fix things months ago, but I just miss him.”

His friends didn’t answer for a long time.

Bill was the only one that ever met Richie, the three having grown up together in Maine before Bill and Eddie went to New York for college and Richie went to California.

Still, the rest of them knew how it all went down. And, considering Bill was the one who had told them, they all knew how much Eddie hated to even think about it.

“Eddie, you did what you had to do. He committed to a college across the country without telling you for fucks sake! Anyone would’ve had the same reaction,” Bill reassured him, his voice calm and rational over the phone.

“No…no he didn’t deserve that,” Eddie cried, his voice noticeably heartbroken in a way his friends had never heard before. “I should’ve at least said goodbye, I should’ve…I should’ve said _goodbye_ -.”

When his voice cracked into a sob, his friends had already started walking from Bill and Mike’s off-campus apartment to Eddie and Ben’s dorm room. None of them, except for Beverly, had ever even seen Eddie cry before, let alone have a breakdown this bad. It was as if he’d been holding it all in ever since and for whatever reason, that song just made him let go of everything he’d been holding back.

Beverly warned them all on the way about what had happened the first time around. The bad stuff. How Richie had told Eddie and Bev that he would come with them to New York like they’d all planned. How Eddie had organized them both lists of schools to apply to together, all of them only in New York without even considering going anywhere else. How Richie had always said that UCLA was his dream school for years and years. How Eddie insisted they all commit to the first school they all three were accepted to.

How Richie got accepted to UCLA and enrolled behind their backs. How Eddie blew up when he found out and broke off their four-year relationship in an instant. How Richie begged him to try long-distance. How Eddie told him he never wanted to see him again.

How Richie, heartbroken and terrified, left early the night before his send-off party his parents were throwing.

And how Eddie, who knew exactly what he would do, deleted the other boy’s number from his phone and spent the night crying in the dark surrounded by moving boxes.

She told them how she begged Eddie for months just to call him and make sure he was doing okay, but even as she kept calling him herself, after a few months his phone number no longer went through.

The resulting sight that sat on the floor of his dorm room was about what they had expected.

Eddie was sitting in a pile of loose papers with a hoodie on that was significantly too big for him.

“Eddie, honey, this isn’t healthy,” Beverly supplied, holding out a hand to help him off the floor, but he simply continued to cry and moved himself as far away from her as he could. He was mumbling something under his breath that none of them could understand.

“Hey man, we can go if you want, okay? We don’t want you to have to do this alone, but if you want us gone, we’ll leave,” Mike added, trying to be more empathetic and less rational, despite what Eddie usually responded best to. “We just want to help.”

Eddie tugged the hoodie tighter around him when Ben reached onto his side of the room and produced a blanket to drape over his friend’s shoulders.

“Can you call him, Bev?” Beverly looked down at the phone in her hands as he asked. She bit her lip hard, tucking the phone back into her pocket.

“Eddie, he changed his number almost two months ago,” she nearly whispered, her own tears forming as she picked idly at the yarn in her sweater. “I tried, I tried for _months_ but he stopped responding.”

Eddie just froze. His eyes went dull and even the slight spark of anger disappeared. His face went slack as if everything that was filling him with emotion just disappeared.

“He’s gone,” he whispered, staring into space as all of the tension left his body. “I can’t find him, I can’t-“

He inhaled sharply tears dropping from both eyes.

He looked hollow.

Heartbroken.

He kept mumbling to himself, mouthing words at rapid speeds and staring at nothing. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself frantically.

“Breathe, Eds,” Ben tried, placing a hand on his roommate’s shoulder. The latter made a noise somewhere between a scream and a sob that made them all jump.

“Don’t don’t _don’t don’t-“_ he mumbled, louder now, shaking violently. “ _Don’t call me that, don’t call-“_

Beverly grabbed his hands that were gripping the blanket like a vice. “Edward Kaspbrak you better take a deep breath right now or, so help me god, I will slap you so hard you won’t know it until it’s…over.”

Just as she was about to finish her words, the boy inhaled sharply, tears pouring out of his eyes as he shook violently in his friends’ arms. They held him tightly, knowing he needed something to keep him grounded to the reality of the situation, as he thrashed and cried.

Eventually, after many minutes of trying to coax him into breathing normally and making sure he knew that they were only there to help him, Eddie finally calmed down enough to speak.

“I can’t get him back.” His voice was hoarse from the previous episode, but it didn’t prevent the others from understanding his words at all. He practically croaked as he spoke. “I just want him _back.”_

His friends rubbed gentle circles into his back, some holding his hands while others ran their fingers through his hair.

“He was it for me,” he cried, more of a whine than a spoken phrase. “And…I gave up on him.”

His friends all looked between each other, unsure what to say. In the worst way…he wasn’t wrong. He had abandoned their relationship at the first sign of trouble in paradise, and they couldn’t just lie to him and say that he hadn’t. Sure, they still knew a few of his different social media accounts, but the likelihood of receiving an answer from him was just as slim as any other form of communication. They couldn’t just tell him everything would be okay, even if it would. He didn’t need that, especially not for someone as rarely-emotional as Eddie. That is, until Beverly had an idea.

She pulled out her phone, typing rapidly away at her keyboard before holding the phone out to Eddie. He stared at it for a moment before looking up at his friend.

“There’s a new song. I don’t know if this would even help, but it’s really beautiful. At the very least, it’s a good song, even if it doesn’t make you feel any better. It’s worth a shot, after all,” she urged, waiting for him to press the play button himself.

Eddie bit his lip, seemingly trying to decide if the song would make things worse or not. Ultimately, his curiosity and reminiscent mood won out over his broken heart and he pressed play.

There was a short introduction, the boy thanking everyone that had listened to his first song and shared it everywhere, but it was clear he was very embarrassed and shy about it. Eddie felt himself start to smile just a little as the boy turned to face his keyboard. His hands emerged from his hoodie pocket and slowly found their places on the keys, pressing down softly.

As he sang, Eddie could feel himself relaxing, his chest feeling lighter and his eyes, which remained watery and red, softened at the video in front of him.

Almost subconsciously, his fingers reached out to touch the boy’s hands as they moved, but he hardly even faltered when he remembered it was nothing more than a video.

Nonetheless, he couldn’t deny that the mysterious boy made him smile. Even as he pressed replay, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that would be enough for now.

_“Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side._

_Rainbows are visions, they're only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide._

_So we've been told and some chose to believe it, but I know they're wrong wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading!! it really means a lot that people like this so I'm excited for y'all to see where this goes!! 
> 
> also, if you have a song suggestion that you think would fit this story, please let me know!! i'm always looking to find new songs that inspire my writing process and maybe i'll feature it as one of "richie's" songs lol


	4. dreaming with a broken heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stan is the best friend/roommate ever and anyone who disagrees can square up

“Do you remember what he looked like?” Stanley asked him one night over a classic college dinner of microwaved popcorn and grapes. They both sat on Richie’s bed, which faced their small TV.

“Hmm?” Richie looked away from the screen with a mouthful of popcorn. 

“The guy. The one you can’t remember. Do you at least remember what he looked like?”

When Richie swallowed hard and looked away from his friend, Stan could tell it was a bad day. 

Like anyone else, Richie had good days and bad days, but ever since the accident things had only gotten worse and worse. His good days were almost as if he hadn’t forgotten anything. He’d remember something without realizing it and he’d spend the day feeling normal for the first time in ages. He’d ignore the comments from his therapists and doctors about still having a long way to recovery and he’d just be happy again.

But the bad days hit hard. 

Sometimes it wasn’t obvious at first. He’d pretend everything was fine, but those were the times when he felt the most lost. When he felt the most like he didn’t know who he was or how he got to wherever he was. Sometimes his memory would flux and he’d forget things he’d already recovered. Either way, Stanley had tried to learn the signs of each. 

He was trying. His best friend was hurting. 

It wasn’t easy trying to walk the thin line between bringing up things he didn’t want to think about and trying to help him fix the things that kept hurting him. 

“Rich, if you don’t want to talk about him, it’s fine. I get it. You don’t have to, it’s up to you,” he explained, trying to avoid making the situation even worse by pushing the subject. “I mean, I don’t get it, I couldn’t possibly understand, but I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do. Just tell me when I’m pushing too much.”

Richie still wouldn’t look at him. 

Stan bit his lip, moved across the bed, and sat right beside his friend, both of their backs to the wall. 

He didn’t say anything for a while. He didn’t really even think about saying anything, but he just watched as Richie slowly relaxed until their shoulders were touching. 

“I don’t want to say I’m sorry because you keep saying that you hate it,” he started. Richie huffed a laugh under his breath. “But I am. I’m not sorry because of what happened though. I’m sorry because I never knew anything about this guy to begin with. I didn’t...I didn’t try to learn things about you when we first met. I was mad that I’d been moved from my single dorm to a double and I wanted nothing to do with a roommate and I took it out on you and I’m sorry.”

Richie leaned closer. Stan felt some of the tension leave his shoulders. 

“I was an asshole those first two months.”

“You were.”

Stan laughed at Richie’s sudden input, both of them gravitating towards each other.

“Of course that’s what you remember.”  


”It’s a gift,” Richie teased.

“I just want to help. I don’t know if you don’t remember or if you do and...and you’re just trying to be nice, but I was a shitty friend before all this. I hardly even spoke to you for weeks when we first met and even after that I still made no effort to get to know you.”

Richie leaned his head onto his friend’s shoulder. Stan was certain he could cry at the gesture. 

“It’s like...my fault or something. Like I didn’t know you before and now I can’t  _ help _ you.”

A single tear broke through the surface and Richie practically tackled him so they were laying down side by side. 

“I don’t care, okay? I love you, Stanny. You’re my favorite person in the world and I could never do this without you,” Richie spoke softly, settling the other boy’s conscience with a few words. “Now shut up, we’re gonna’ cuddle and you’re gonna’ like it.”

He laughed, a watery chuckle compared to Richie’s obnoxious snort, but he obliged. 

“I love you too, Rich,” he whispered, probably long after Richie had already fallen asleep. The arms around his torso tightened. The TV continued to play across the room, but neither of them could be bothered by it. 

“I’m gonna’ help you find him. No matter how long it takes, we’re gonna’ find him.”

He could’ve sworn Richie had nodded into his shoulder, but without any other response, he could’ve easily just been asleep. How Richie had fallen asleep so quickly was probably a combination of the meds he’d taken before dinner and the fact that he had an eight o’clock class that morning, but Stan knew he was tired. Just tired in his soul. Tired of the fear of not knowing where he was and who the people were around him. Tired of fighting his own body just to walk across a room. 

He hadn’t just said it. He knew he’d do anything it took to make Richie happy. 

A scary thought for someone who spent so long on his own. 

But the thought of seeing his best friend like that any longer was somehow scarier. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a bit short! I just started a new job so I’m a bit more busy now but I already have the next chapter in the works so hopefully I’ll have it up soon:)


	5. the third song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stanley uris ben hanscom  
> 🤝  
> being the best roommate ever

It had been two weeks since he had inadvertently ruined his whole life.

Two weeks since he wrote a paper for his ‘History of Eastern Europe’ class and then immediately ruined everything he’d fixed in the past few months with a five minute video.

Two weeks since he heard the song that felt like it was haunting him.

One week since he started trying to find Richie Tozier.

One week since he broke down in front of his best friends for the first time in months.

Twenty-four hours since he found the only social media account that he still had a tie to Richie on.

Fucking _Facebook._

Eddie, like just about every other college kid, only really had a Facebook profile for employment purposes. He and Richie had actually made their’s together when they were sophomores in high school and were looking for their first jobs. Still, it went untouched most of the time, especially when he hadn’t needed to update it when he started working at the campus library.

He hadn’t even changed his relationship status.

Even as his finger hovered over the ‘edit’ button, he couldn’t help but click on Richie’s profile and saw that he hadn’t changed his either.

And if Richie hadn’t changed it…he probably didn’t even know it was still set up. Which meant he wouldn’t notice if Eddie still left his up too. He closed the website before he could talk himself out of leaving it, and then cleared it out of his search history.

Sure, that last pert was probably overkill, but if Bev or any of his other friends found out he had kept his Facebook relationship status up they’d never let him hear the end of it.

It was a strange thing to suddenly realize he wasn’t over a relationship that ended months ago. Especially when he’d gone so long without talking about it. Hell, most of his friends hadn’t even heard Richie’s name come out of his mouth before his breakdown.

He was pretty sure Ben kept glancing at him from across the room, but he knew that looking back at him would only lead to a conversation and, as wonderful as Ben was to talk to, he really didn’t feel like ruining his blissful stage of pretending he and Richie were still together.

“You working on the chemistry notes?” Ben asked, which made Eddie mentally kick himself for thinking about Ben watching him and jinxing his bubble of ignorance.

“No, but I finished them earlier if you need them,” he explained, fishing a notebook out of the stack of papers on his bed. Ben hummed and thanked him as he took the notes.

“What are you looking at then? If you’re not busy maybe we could check out a movie from the library and make popcorn,” Ben suggested, which gave Eddie all the proof he needed. Ben knew he was upset, but more importantly, he knew Eddie was hiding something.

Eddie shrugged, “I don’t know, I think I might be too tired to watch a whole movie.”

Ben snorted a laugh.

“Eds, it’s like six o’clock. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night if you try to go to bed soon.”

Eddie flinched, slamming his laptop lid shut reflexively.

“Don’t…” he spoke shakily, his heart beating out of his chest. “Don’t…don’t call me that.”

Ben seemed afraid, and understandably so considering his roommate just flipped out on him for no reason.

“I won’t, I won’t. I promise. I didn’t mean to I just, Bev calls you that all the time and I thought-“

Eddie shook his head, his hair covering his eyes. He gripped at his shirt until his knuckles turned white.

“Okay, okay, just breathe. Dude, we don’t have to do anything and I swear I won’t call you that again,” Ben rambled, placing a hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder. “Just breathe, you’re okay.”

Eddie actually listened, taking one shallow breath in and out before he realized what had happened. He shuddered, tears building in the corners of his eyes.

 _“Ben,”_ he choked, leaning into his friend, who immediately wrapped him up in a hug. Eddie sighed as if a weight had been graciously lifted off of his shoulders and sunk further into the other boy’s hold.

“Shh, just breathe. Everything’s gonna’ be okay,” Ben shushed him, squeezing him even tighter. Eddie nodded, burying his face into Ben’s shoulder.

 _“I want him back,”_ Eddie cried, his voice barely audible from being muffled by Ben’s shirt, but the other boy heard him loud and clear. He pulled away slightly without thinking.

“Richie? You want him back?”

Eddie hadn’t meant for it to come out like that, he had hardly even thought it out fully himself, but as soon as he heard those words come out of his mouth he knew it was true.

“Fuck,” he spoke, the tears stopping in favor of him sitting on his bed, horrified. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-“

“It’s okay,” Ben stopped him, grabbing his shoulders and holding him back from spiraling again. “It’s okay, Eddie, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Eddie blinked at him, as if not expecting that answer.

“There’s nothing wrong with that. He’s the first person you ever loved. It’s normal. things ended badly, it’s completely reasonable to not be over him yet.”

Eddie winced at the end, pieces clicking together in his mind.

“Ben I…” he sat up, understanding on his face. “I fucked up. I know, I _know_ I did. I love him. I never fucking stopped and-and he’s it for me. He’s all I’m ever going to want. I’ve known it forever, I can’t just give up on him.”

Ben looked at him for a moment, almost as if searching for something in his face, but he smiled after a while and Eddie felt a smile tear through his tears.

“Okay. So let’s find him,” Ben smiled back, picking up Eddie’s laptop and moving to sit side by side so they could look together. “You said he was going to California, right?”

Eddie nodded, his fingers flying across the keyboard.

“UCLA. It was his dream school. God, I can’t believe I fucking ignored his-“

“Don’t even think about it, just keep looking. Seriously, I don’t care how long this takes. We’re finding him no matter what we have to do. I’ll drive you to California if I have to.”

Eddie didn’t even think as he pulled Ben into a quick side-hug squeezing him tightly.

“You are a godsend, Benjamin,” he teased as the other boy laughed.

“What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic.”

Eddie snorted as he typed away, scrolling through the random photos of students on the UCLA website, hoping that Richie would be in one by some miracle. He was so entranced by looking though photos and pages of text that he hadn’t even noticed Ben had put on some music.

Still, he’d know that voice anywhere.

“Is this a new song?” He abruptly asked, reaching for Ben’s phone to see what he was playing. “Holy shit.”

He couldn’t help but melt as he saw the anonymous boy sitting, once again, at his keyboard, the dark room making his figure barely visibly with nothing but a dull, yellow-toned desk lamp illuminating the keyboard. A head of dark, curly hair long enough to obscure his face almost entirely fell from underneath the hood of his sweatshirt. Eddie felt himself smiling as he watched, completely ignoring Ben stealing glances at his expression.

“What if this ‘R’ guy is Richie?” Ben suggested, somehow not sounding as absurd as it probably should’ve.

“No, no there’s no way,” Eddie dismissed, immediately going back to scrolling though the website. Ben shrugged it off, assuming there was something about the ‘R’ guy that made it clear he couldn’t be Richie, like his voice or hair or something.

“He would remember me, right?”

When Eddie spoke up quietly a few minutes later, Ben almost didn’t register that he’d heard it.

“What?”

“If that guy…if he _was_ Riche…he wouldn’t forget me, right?”

For the first time since the whole mess started, Eddie sounded genuinely afraid. He sounded heartbroken and lost and afraid and Ben hated that.

“I think if, if it was Richie and he did forget, he’d know there was something missing. He’d know _you_ were missing. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to help it that he forgot who you were, but he’d never forget you.”

Eddie seemed to accept that answer.

He nodded to himself before closing the home page and opening some tab on student life. Ben watched him work for a few minutes, just trying to understand the way his mind was working through it all, but he couldn’t come close to guessing how something like this was affecting Eddie. He'd never been in a relationship before dating Beverly, so the whole concept of breakups, let alone messy ends to long-term ones, was entirely foreign to him. Besides, he was just trying to be rational. The guy couldn't. possibly be Richie. It couldn't be.

Eddie would know if Richie played music like that. He would know if he wrote songs, he would know if he could sing like that. There was no way it was him. 

But something in the back of his mind kept nagging at him as he listened.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,_  
_The waking up is the hardest part._

_You roll out of bed and down on your knees,_  
_And for a moment you can hardly breathe._

The question of 'what happened to Richie the moment he left for California'. Maybe they'd never know, but something told him they would. That some way, somehow, they'd find their way back to each other. Maybe he was just a romantic at heart with a soft spot for a happy ending.

  
_Wondering was he really here?_  
_Is he standing in my room?_

_No, he's not._  
_'Cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! i am excited about where this story is going and i'll be updating as much as I can, but i'm in the process of committing to college right now so it's going to be a bit slow for the next couple weeks or so:)


	6. i'm gonna be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stan the man doing the most
> 
> feat. muffins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't updated for a while! I've just been dealing with some stuff following the cancellation of my senior year and all of the stuff that comes with that...i usually do most of my writing at school too so it's been weird getting used to that but here's a short chapter and I might post the next one either tonight or tomorrow depending on how bored I get:)

“Morning,” Stanley announced, opening the door to their dorm room. Richie, still in bed, groaned immediately in protest and covered his eyes. “Calm down asshole, it’s after seven.”

“ _Seven_? What the fuck, man?” He whined, reluctantly sitting up when his friend set a travel mug full of hot coffee in his lap and tossed a bag at him along with it. Richie’s eyebrows quirked up. “Is this from Pete’s?”

Of course Stanley knew the only thing that would get Richie up early if he didn’t have to be. The boy opened the bag and gawked at his roommate.

“No fucking way—how early did you get up for these? They’re basically gone the minute they open!” Richie marveled at the massive blueberry muffin in his hands, knowing how much they both loved Pete’s Café two blocks from campus. And their gigantic blueberry muffins...well those were a coveted luxury around UCLA and notoriously impossible to get your hands on.

“Now that I have your attention,” Stanley chuckled, dumping a stack of books and newspapers onto the floor between their beds. Richie looked at him confusedly, a massive chunk of blueberry muffin in his mouth. “We’re going through these records.”

Richie just stared at the pile.

“Stanley-“

“These are all of NYU’s public records from the past year of club and activity itineraries and campus employee profiles. If he does anything on campus, we’ll find him,” Stan explained, separating the stack into two piles. Richie just gaped.

“You’re kidding.”

“As much as I love a good opportunity to prank you, no I am not. Contrary to popular belief, I love you and I want you to be happy.”

Richie beamed, his eyes watery before rubbing his face until they went away.

“Let’s do it then. I don’t remember much, but I feel like if I heard his name I’d know it,” he started, diving into a folder of club member profiles and skimming over small ID photos and member lists. Stan took one of the website printouts of campus employees and the two silently got to work.

“So what am I looking for here? Black hair? Blond hair? Glasses? Anything in particular?” Stan hummed, fanning through profiles.

“Brown hair I think. And...hazel eyes. No glasses I don’t think, but don’t rule anyone out who fits the bill just in case. And rule out anyone with really generic last names. I’m not...quite sure what I remember about his name but I know it was weird.”

Stan snorted, tossing a few profiles into their pile of contenders.

“Romantic.”

“Shut up, it’s not like ours are any better. I’m simply calling it like it is, Uris.”

It was comfortable, the way they worked now. Stan would find a guy that fit their vague profile, read the name out, and Richie would just shake his head and they’d move on. As the minutes turned into hours, Richie only became more and more defeated. Stan was nearly through all of the campus’s student employees and Richie had resorted to checking every club he felt in his gut would be a dead-end, just out of desperation.

Somewhere along the line, he’d started crying and, after a quick hug from Stan, he’d let his friend process it on his own as he focused on checking over every single person at that school if he had to.

Morale was low as they got closer and closer to the bottom of the pile with no strong contenders. Stan was tempted to call his friend at the NYU library and ask if there was anything else they could look through, that is, until he got to the very last page.

There was a note with his name on it from his friend at the library. They weren’t even very close,his friend Mike had never even heard of Richie or his situation and they only knew each other because Stan met him on a tour back when he was considering attending NYU himself. Still, something about the note seemed like he knew exactly what the reason for Stan asking for their records was.

“There’s a note,” Stan spoke up, peeling the post-it note off the paper as he began to read it. “I hope your friend finds who they’re looking for. I know this is a long shot, but I have a friend who’s looking for someone at UCLA and...”

Stan trailed off, staring at the paper as Richie watched him with wide, bloodshot eyes.

“And? What did he say?” Richie mumbled desperately, glancing back and forth from Stan’s face to the note in his hand.

“And if your friend’s name is Richie Tozier, I found who you’re looking for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe and indoors!! if you aren't social distancing I'll come to your house and break your kneecaps with a 6ft pole
> 
> update either tonight or tomorrow morning:) also come play animal crossing with me lmao (SW-0226-0527-9512)


	7. the fourth song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i was about to post this earlier this morning but I realized I forgot to write the song part because I'm Big Dumb so here u go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drop some kudos if miss 'rona ruined your life

_“Did you tell him?”_ Mike’s voice asked through the phone. Ben shook his head even though he knew Mike couldn’t see it.

“Not yet. He...he had a rough night yesterday. I’m not sure he even slept at all.”

He could hear the sadness in the sigh that his friend exhaled.

_“I hate seeing him like this. I can’t...I can’t believe we didn’t even know until now.”_

“Tell me about it,” Ben groaned, leaning back into his desk chair as he held his phone to his ear with his shoulder.

Eddie was gone at class with Beverly for the next two hours and, not that he particularly liked talking about his friend behind his back, but they were all too worried about him not to check in every now and again.

“He and I have been looking through the campus website and all their organizations for a few days now, but either he dropped out or he literally does nothing outside of going to class,” Ben sighed, scribbling some plans onto his calendar to pass the time.

_“I think Stan got my box in the mail yesterday, but I’m not sure. It could’ve been today. I probably should’ve just asked him what his roommate’s name was first.”_

“You’re already making more progress than the rest of have so far, dude. I’ll probably tell Eddie when he gets back from class, but I don’t want to get his hopes up if it turns out not to be him, you know?”

Mike hummed on the other end.

“I just can’t stand to see him get any worse than how he’s been dealing with this. I think...I think if this guy isn’t Richie, he might not come back from this.”

_“We’re gonna’ find him, no matter what. Just focus on that. He’ll be okay ‘cause we’re not done until he’s happy.”_

Ben laughed a little to himself.

“You really are a godsend, Mikey. I might just have to steal ya’ from Bill if you pull this off,” he teased.

Mike snorted a laugh.

“There’s more than enough of me to go around, Bill can share.”

“I’m holding you to that. I’ll see you later man, I should finish this project before Eddie gets back,” Ben finished, saying goodbye as he hung up to continue his work.

As he expected, Eddie walked through their dorm room door almost thirty minutes after his class ended.

“Still refuse to ride on the back of Bev’s bike?” Ben teased, only glancing up for a second to make sure it was Eddie and not one of their other friends.

“It’s not safe and I’m not ten, I’d just fall off,” he sighed tiredly, dumping all of his things onto his desk before flopping back onto his bed.

“Counter point; you would’ve been back twenty minutes ago.”

Eddie just groaned in response.

Ben spun around in his desk chair until he faced the opposite wall where Eddie lay face down on his bed.

“So...I think I deserve a hug for being the best roommate ever,” Ben smiled coyly.

“You’re a fucking idiot if you think I’m getting up to give you a hug,” he spoke into his comforter.

“Not even for finding Richie for you?”

Eddie froze.

He shot upright like a rocket and pressed his back to the wall.

His face was stark white and his eyes were wide and glassy like he could burst into tears at any moment.

“Really?” He whispered, tears welling in his eyes as his voice cracked.

Ben spun his chair around to grab his laptop and pull open the email Mike had forwarded to him from his friend at the UCLA library.

“Technically Mike found him, but he’s looking for you t-“

Eddie practically dove off the bed to wrap his best friend up in a hug. He was shaking and weeping, but with the widest smile on his face.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he muttered over and over into Ben’s shoulder. “Oh my fucking god, thank you so much.”

Ben just laughed lightly, rubbing the smaller boy’s back as his breathing slowly became steadier.

“You don’t have to thank any of us, Eddie. We just want you to be happy,” he spoke sweetly, making his friend melt at the sentiment.

“Fuck,” he cried, laughing and smiling as he wiped the tears from his cheeks. “What the fuck did I do to deserve you guys?”

Ben just squeezed him tight smacked a loud, overdramatic kiss to his cheek, which made the other boy laugh loudly.

“You’re like my little brother and I love you, dude. If you say he’s the one for you, we’re gonna’ do whatever it takes to get you to California.”

Eddie just held on tighter.

“You have no idea how much this means to be, Ben, I love you so much.”

They stayed in that position for longer than either would like to admit, just clinging to each other. Ben eventually pulled his phone out of his pocket and sneakily texted that their friends could come over and intercept some gratitude from their smallest friend, which was met with a surprising amount of enthusiasm. He wasn’t sure if Eddie had fallen asleep on him from the steadiness of his breathing, but when he looked over the boy’s shoulder, he saw he was very much awake and staring at the boy’s Facebook page.

“Hey,” he prompted, getting Eddie to sit upright whilst still sitting in his lap. “Is that him?” Eddie smiled and held out his phone for Ben to see. All he had was the profile photo and header, but his attention very clearly skipped right over the personal information in the profile and went straight to the header picture that had Richie holding Eddie by the waist from behind and Eddie screaming with the widest grin as the jumped into a lake behind them. 

It was a look none of Eddie’s friends had ever seen before, aside from Bev who had actually taken the picture.

“Yeah, that’s him,” Eddie smiled, clicking on the photo to enlarge it. “This was the Fourth of July I think. Maybe our sophomore or junior year of high school.”

“You look so happy,” Ben commented, hoping he wasn’t overstepping.

“I don’t think I ever laughed like that with anyone else,” he explained sadly. “You guys are amazing, don’t get me wrong. I love all of you so, so much, but...I never realized the reason I could be that happy was because of him. I didn’t even know how without him.”

Ben sighed, grabbing the laptop out of Eddie’s lap and typing away before raising the volume and playing a song. Eddie’s eyes lit up, not even needing to ask what Ben was playing as the voice started singing. He simply flopped down on the bed with his arms pulling his hoodie right around his body and closed his eyes.

_When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be,_

_I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you._

Even Ben, who had tried his hand at songwriting a few times back in his poetry-writing days, couldn’t help but be amazed at the songs this mystery man churned out of nowhere.

He wanted it to be Richie, if he had to admit it. Not that he wanted Eddie to be surprised with an ex-boyfriend who didn’t remember him, let alone for Richie to have to be plagued with the mental and physical repercussions of that kind of accident, but something about it felt right. Something about the mystery man was too intertwined in their story to be a coincidence.

_But I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door._

For someone who wasn’t religious, he prayed everything would turn out okay. Eddie was the kind of friend he never thought he’d have, but now that he did, he was more protective of him that he would’ve ever guessed. Even just watching him listen to the song, he seemed so sad and Ben knew he’d do anything to make that look go away.

_When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you. And when I'm dreaming, well I know I'm gonna dream, I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you._

“I didn’t think I’d ever be telling you to go after your ex,” he started, thankfully earning a small chuckle from Eddie. “But he’s special. Whatever happens, don’t forget about how you felt in that picture.” Eddie sat up and looked at him as he spoke, his eyes sad and almost...scared. “No matter what happens when you see him, remember that having a smile like that on your face is something worth fighting for.”

He smiled and hugged his friend as the song faded out, pulling on some shoes and tucking his phone into his pocket.

“I know, Benny. I lost him once, I’m not losing him again without a fight,” he chuckled, despite the seriousness in his words. “I’m gonna’ take a walk. I think...I think I just need to think about all of this for a little while.”

Ben modded, tossing him his dorm key and headphones from on the bed and, just like that, the boy was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> check me out on tumblr @krustywhore to ask questions about this fic or any of my past writing!!!
> 
> also I might make this into an accompanying instagram edit series thing in the style of @99reddie (<—instagram) if that’s something people would be interested in!!


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